I finally emerged from my bed, after hours of tossing and turning, and fighting to fall asleep. Barefooted through my living room and into the kitchen, I made my way to the fridge to grab a bottle of water, and I slid down to the floor and stared up into the darkness.
"What did I do to deserve this?"
As I lay on the cold tiled floor, I spoke to my hardships as if they can even here me, as if it makes any sense at all.
It's me. The one you seem to seek out, as you pass the crowds of horrible and ill intended people. I'm the one you always seem to find, and the one you always sneak up on in the midst of better days on my horizon. I can't help but wonder if I have done anything to invite you here. I feel I always treated people fairly well, I drop change into every donation box I come across, I'm the epitome of somebody who should be seeing "good karma" coming back around by now, but we both know better than to think that way.
You brought me sickness. Not only did you bring myself genetic and chronic illness, but my son as well. The physical pain I felt was nearly unbearable, and the emotional pain I felt watching my infant fight for his life, and continue to, will forever be a burden I carry. Why must me and my son fight so hard just to live? Why must this be a mountain I can never climb over? How can I carry on knowing it's just a mountain I must become comfortable with?
I feel it isn't fair to blame you for all of my bad relationships, but nevertheless, they were hardships. Bad relationships with boyfriends, family and friends. I spent a very long time trying to understand who I was, cleaning up the mess made by broken relationships. I spent much of my time learning how to trust again, only to have it shattered once more. What did you get out of this?
You have backed me into the corners of wondering what the purpose of life is at all. Is it a constant flux of standing and falling? Will I ever find myself in a place of content, if it is written in stone that I will never find happiness? Where are the reigns that I so desperately need to grab hold of?
I give you all of this credit to the pain I have endured, but in the end I realize that I am forever richer because of you. I will forever be a more understanding person, a more resilient woman, a woman of wisdom, and character. I don't have a boring life, that is for certain. If it weren't for you, Hardships, would I have even realized who I was? It if weren't for you, would I even have my children right now? It is so easy to despise you, yet I credit my ability to conquer you as a gigantic milestone in my life. Some days, I let you get the best of me, and I cry on my kitchen floor while wallowing in my own pity, but I am so proud to say that it doesn't take much for me to see how much better you have made me. Simply put, Hardships, you have allowed me to become the woman I am today, and you will never keep me down.
So, I may melt onto my kitchen floor tonight. I may curse you and throw my tantrum, and that is okay. My tears will evaporate from the tile, and I will always carry on.
