The Land of What Ifs | Diary of a Heart Mom

Before I became what alot of us, (well, those of us that wear the title) call, a "heart mama," I never experienced some of the every day waves of pain that I do now. Things that come and go so subtly, like a breeze blowing lightly upon a beautiful moment. 

Reminding me. 

"You should capture this"

"Don't ever forget this moment"

"Just in case"

September 30 2017

 

Me:  "you got sassiness in your blood girl"

Dakota: "no I don't! You got sassiness in your blood!"

Me:  " I do! Where do you think you got it from?"

My healthy daughter, Dakota elbows me and flashes a big, sneaky grin. 

As we walked around the huge park, we stopped at one of the many scattered playsets that we're available. This particular blue climbing gym was one me and my son Charlie had been to before. Dakota asked me for help as she climbed up three steps, afraid to go any higher. I walked over and told her that this was actually the playset Charlie chipped his tooth on. My eyes scanned the bars to see which one it had been exactly, because I remember his tooth actually chipping the paint and into the metal. I quickly found it and we looked at it together. That was when one of the many unfortunate moments of realization fell into my lap. It happens every now and then, I look at something Charlie has touched, marked, left his existence upon as if a stamp to say "I was here," and my mind goes into the "what if zone." The zone where, the all too possible alternate reality creeps into the now telling me, what if one day, your running in this park, and you stop to look at this seemingly meaningless chip in a jungle gym because what if one day, little imprints of my son's life are all I get of him? 

But quickly I must reel myself in. He is here now, and that is everything. 

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And so goes on the never ending cycle of documenting life, feelings, the waves that come and go. Never ending, and always coming ashore only to recede once again. It's truly cruel, the unknown, the what if land I find myself subjected to in the midst of a beautiful moment. It's as if, when your parenting a child you know could die too soon, those moments don't get to exist without the lingering reminder that they may be limited. 

Cruel, yet I believe in some way or another, it makes me appreciate things more. I hold on to the dimples in his smile, and the way he waves his little hand all around and looks like a baby Elvis when he's dancing, a little more than maybe I would have had he been born healthy and without any fear of being snatched away from me and this Earth before I felt he was meant to. 

I ponder on life quite a bit. The meaning, the what ifs, the facts, and anything else you can think of. I've come to a few conclusions that are true for this just as much as they are anything else in life. 

1. We are on a journey. It was never meant to be played out like some movie - it was meant to be lived, with no guarantee on a single thing, including duration, except for the fact that we are existing. 

2. We exist, and with that existence, we can only control how we react to things out of our control. Sure enough, our reactions can shape our futures, but many times the importance lay in not choosing negativity based off of our present and past. Regardless. There is life to be lived while we are here to live it. My son, is a precious reminder of this. 

So we must honor today, even when it's hard. 

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I know I'm not the only parent in the world who experiences these things. Just another reason I created this blog - to help others find something, anything, to relate and hold on to especially in the beginning, and the rough parts of their journeys, and to document my own journey. 

This has sincerely been a mess. These last three years with him. These emotions and realities that come with the terriroty, and if I'm being frank, my entire life. My existence. Lord, is it a mess. 

But, this is my existence - I decide - in this journey, in this mind and heart of mine - and messy is beautiful. 

My mess. Your mess. This mess. Our existance and ability to feel love and pain, it's beautiful.