Just two nights ago, I met you; A clearly, emotional distraught, young lady, who just had her first child. Most of the time, in the world I used to inhabit, child birth was a cause for celebration, but we are here for a reason, and I know better. I am very familiar with just how unfair life can be, when a parent ends up here, its something I never used to think about, and now its all too real and common, but it stings just the same, every single time,
My heart breaks for you.. You are forced to make a choice, forced the make the call, forced to endure listening to doctors say things like "quality of life", and "the procedure would be pointless",
All these big complicated sentences, and unbelievably harsh truths, all in reference to your newborn. Your newborn, who is so perfect on the outside, who just nine short months ago, you thought would be just as perfect on the inside. Now you sit here, across the table from me, and we have this conversation.
I've walked around this hospital enough to understand the medical terms without a second thought, and I can tell this is a comfort for you. You are new here, at the party nobody wanted to come to, and your world has changed. Although family and friends are supportive, it must be so nice talking to someone you don't have to explain a medical term to, and I'm glad that if only for a moment you felt a little bit of normalcy.
I don't know how to explain the hurt I could feel radiating from you. You are unarguably broken, and confused. You, you are feeling every negative emotion one could feel. Fear, anger, sadness, guilt, grief, and the list goes on and on. Besides the fact that you have to let go of your child, the saddest truth to me is that this is your first child. You have to mourn the loss of feeling like a parent. You will go out in the world and hear all the moms and dads speak of first steps and debate over Pampers vs Huggies, but you, you won't entertain that debate, You know hospital walls, you know wires and sadness. You are and always will be a mom, but this will come with isolation, because although your a mom, you won't always be surrounded by moms that understand. I hope you find that support, I hope you find friends that understand.
I tell you about my son, and you tell me about your son. You may be one of the few people in this world who would welcome my sons heart condition, as opposed to what your son has. The prognosis, is a too short life, regardless of what you do. So, you talk to me, you contemplate on pursuing surgeries that will only allow a few months, or comfort care. I tell you what I would do, from my own personal stand point. Still, I am not you momma, so you need not listen to me. I have not been in those shoes, and I pray to God I never have to be.
Whatever you choose, you just love that sweet boy. That's all he will know. You were there for his first breath, and you will hold him close to your heart for his last one. He will know his momma loves him, and always will. He will leave this world feeling love and warmth. I hope you know, that he doesn't know that he is missing anything, and honestly, I'm not sure he truly will. He knows your soft touch, your warm kisses, and your lullabies. He doesn't know famine, poverty, or what its like to have his heartbroken. He only knows this beautiful, strong, and selfless woman that stares at him, teary eyed. He does not want you to cry momma, because he is loved, so loved. Isn't that what we all strive for while living? To find love in our life, and peace?
If that is all your sweet boy knows of this world, then I'd say he will know a very great, blessed life, all of this thanks to you. You, the one who was willing to lose the sleep, to hear the painful words, and to make the heart wrenching choices needed to ensure his happiness.
It was just a conversation, it was just a woman putting her pain into a sentence, a few sentences, but it taught me something. Time is not important. Minutes, hours and days, cannot compare to the measure of love. Life is about who is there, and how you spend it, no matter how short that life may be. Love will conquer, every single time.
I hope when the time comes, that you don't hold back your emotions.
I hope you get it all in and out, I hope a wave of peace comes over you.
I hope you feel him, even when he isn't here.
I hope you find a way to stay close to him, every single day, until you can
go to him once more.
I hope this finds you in time, momma.
