What I Hope I Get To Tell You | A Letter To the Child I Could Lose

My dear Charlie, I can't believe we have come this far, but I hope I'l get to say that again.

I remember the day you were born, your were the one peice of dream that came with the nightmare. You lay so innocent and peaceful, ten fingers, and ten toes. If it werent for technology, not a soul would think anything was wrong with a baby who looked so perfect. But, something was definetly wrong.

You are the strongest human being I know, which is crazy, because your tiny. You cant walk, talk, or throw a ball, but you can live with a portion of a heart. You breathe when its difficult to. You smile after all the pokes, needles, with wires everywhere, and oxygen in your nose.
You opened your eyes, even when you were swollen, tired, drugged, and just survived open heart surgery. You managed to bring so many people together, bring them faith, and inspiration. You fought to live, and succeeded, even when the doctors thought you wouldn't.

I whisper these things into your ear, very frequently. I hold your little hand and admire your scars. I brag about you, to everybody I see, because my baby is a fighter. I want the world to know about your heart, your tiny amazing heart, because your heart still beats strong although its endured so much. Your tiny heart defies the odds and seriously, it blows my mind. Before you were here, I didn't even know a person could have half a heart.

I hope I get to tell you all this, I hope we get to have this conversation, about everything you've accomplished. I want to hear your story, over and over again. I want to hear you telling it, to a million people. I want you to feel as full of pride as I do, when you look at your scars. You have so much to be proud of. You are the definition of strong. You have gone through more than most people go through in their life, and you just started.

I hope I get to tell you, that I was terrified. That you brought me so much strength. I hope I get to tell you how although you layed still for the longest time, that we connected when our eyes met. I want to tell you that, I knew. Your oxygen levels got better, and your heart rate leveled out, that you were telling me you would be okay. You already loved me, and I was scared to death to love you.

I'm sorry for it, a its hard for me to admit how hard it was, and i'm not proud to say it,  but I hope I get to tell you about it. About how loving someone you know could die, is a very scary thing. Its subjecting yourself to an immense amount of pain. Its knowing my world could go in the blink of an eye. Then what would I do? I still don't have an answer for that, but Charlie, loving you is impossible to avoid. EVERYONE loves you, the nurses, doctors, your family, even strangers. You are inspiration, you are happiness, you are pure innocent joy. You don't deserve this heart defect. I'm not sure I deserved you. Still, here we are, and I just wanted to let you know, that its because of your bravery that I'm not so scared anymore. You taught me that love may hurt sometimes, but it is so very worth it. You are so worth it. No matter what happens, and I hope I get the chance to tell you that.

I hope I get the chance to see you get married, and have children. I hope you and your family get to put flowers on my stone, because I don't want to outlive you. I want you to go through a very long life being as strong as you are now, even though you are so very little. I know if you did, this world would be a better place for it. I know my world is a better place, because of you.