Handing You To The Surgeon | A Hospital Mom's Diary

I'm scared. I never pictured this is what motherhood would ever be like for me. I always remember the sadness of reading a story like Charlie's, but now that its him, I don't even know how to deal. One open heart surgery down, 2 more to go. In about a month, he will go in for his second, and it just keeps creeping closer and closer. Yesterday, we received his packet from his surgeon, and it was painful because it meant it was real, and it was coming very soon. I wanted to pretend that he was normal for as long as I could, but the closer we get the more clear it is that he just isn't.

Charlie is strong. He smiles so much, he's started "talking" at us and it makes my heart so happy. I don't want to lose that.

I don't want to see him so still and covered in tubes, wires, IVs, intubated and with his chest open, but I know I have to again.

My walls have started completely crumbling, its hard to bond in a situation like this and when he had his first surgery it was surreal, but I've had him home, I've rocked him to sleep and encouraged a thousand smiles. I've sung lullaby's and stroked his head. I've told him about my fears and even though he can't understand me I tell him every hour how much I love him

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I'm scared to kiss you and hand you to the surgeons again. I'm scared of the special secluded waiting room we will get to stay in for hours on end, counting down the minutes to the next update. I'm scared Charlie and even though you are a fighter and so very strong, your still so little. Life hasn't been fair to you, and I'm so scared you may let go.

I want to make it very clear what you mean to me baby boy. You mean pure joy, the biggest smile that takes up your entire face. Your a perfect conversation. Your warmth and the best snuggles. Your freedom for my heart, because you've set me free and shown me how to love, how to remember that life is short and unpredictable. You are my inspiration, to just go for it. You are my prince. You listen to me and I'm convinced you understand the emotions I feel, because you always do just the right thing to make me feel better, a smile, touching my hand, and our "conversations"...

Parenthood doesn't come with a rule book, especially parenting a sick child. It's crazy and beautiful. It's a lot of love and a lot of fear all mixed together. It's flawed, yet it's perfection, just like my sweet baby boy and his broken little heart.